Making the First MoveJan 07, 2023
If one of the things that you want to get out of the LS is playing with other people, then there is
going to come a time when you will probably have to make the first move. And if you have been
in the LS for any length of time, you have probably experienced fear of making the first move.
First of all, I want to tell you that it’s normal to have this fear. But you can’t, or at least you shouldn’t, let fear control your life. When you are afraid of something and you choose to avoid it, that fear grows. Let’s say you are afraid to make the first move, because you are afraid of rejection. So in that case, the worst case scenario is that you are going to get rejected. And what will be the outcome of that rejection? It’s going to be whatever you tell yourself it’s going to be. If you tell yourself that it is going to be devastating to get rejected, then it’s going to be devastating. And if you tell yourself that it’s really no big deal, then it’s going to be no big deal. The fear of rejection is in how you perceive the outcome of that rejection. You get to decide the outcome, you get to decide how you are going to feel about that rejection.
It all comes down to this…the fear of rejection is all in your head. If you tell yourself that it’s ok if someone rejects you, if you tell yourself that it’s not that big of a deal, that you won’t die or get eaten by a bear if someone says no thanks, then you take away the power that fear has over you. And you open yourself up to so many more opportunities. It’s all a matter of perspective.
What if you have a fear of coming on too strong? How about this…don’t come on too strong. Don’t be pushy. Don’t shove your tongue down her throat with little to no warning. Actually, just don’t shove your tongue down her throat anyway. Usually a little tongue goes a long way. If you tell yourself that you don’t want to come on too strong and that is stopping you from making a move, that is probably fear of rejection masquerading as a fear of coming on too strong, or looking like a perv. Read the signs. You can usually tell if someone is interested. So take the next logical step, and then the next logical step. Instead of saying nice shoes, wanna fuck? How about you try having a conversation with them, maybe actually being curious and getting to know them? And then, maybe you say, you are very beautiful, may I kiss you? That doesn’t sound pervy or super aggressive to me, how about you?
So what if you really just don’t know what to say or do? Like, you don’t know the exact words to use to go from “I am interested” to “let’s go get naked.” Here are some suggestions:
- I’m very attracted to you. If it’s mutual I would love to take this back to my room.
- I’m interested in playing with you, if the feeling is mutual. Would you like to go play with me, or us?
- I’m very turned on by you. Would you be interested in taking this back to my room?
- You have been driving me crazy all night. I really want to feel your naked body next to mine. How does that sound?
Here are some final tips for making the first move, or making the final move that actually gets
- Don’t put so much pressure on making one move. Create that build-up all night: touch, flirt, kiss, give compliments. Do a little all night so when the time comes, sex is just a natural progression and there isn’t so much pressure about making “the move”. Honestly, the sex is better if you do this anyway!
- Don’t overthink it. When the opportunity arises, take it! Don’t hesitate. If you wait you will overthink it and then you will chicken out. Go to the bathroom, and when you come out, give yourself 5 seconds to ask the other person if they are interested in taking this back to the room, or the play room, or wherever. The longer you hesitate, the bigger that fear becomes and the more likely you will be walking out with blue balls later.
- Keep it simple. When the time seems right, meaning you know everyone is attracted, interested and available, ask if they would like to take this back to the room. That’s it. If they say yes, yippee! If they say no, say ok thanks and move on. It’s not the end of the world, and there will be other opportunities.
- Be genuinely interested. Talk to the person you want to play with. Ask them what they like and don’t like, what turns them on, what their boundaries are. Don’t wait until the end of the night when it is time to make a move. Use these conversations to build up the sexual tension and energy throughout the night. This will also help make you a better lover, because you will already know what they are into.
- Be prepared. Before your next event, come up with how you want to ask someone if they want to play. Practice saying it out loud until you are confident in the way it sounds. You won’t have to try to figure out what to say in the moment.
- Practice! I know this sounds weird, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. The first time you tried to drive a car you were nervous and scared, and you made a shit ton of mistakes. But now, driving a car is so natural to you that you don’t even think about it anymore. The same is true with almost anything new you are learning. This is a skill you are learning; the more you practice the better you will get.
- Don’t wait until you feel ready. You’ll be waiting a long fucking time, and your balls will swell up bigger than Aunt Marge. Confidence is an action before it is a feeling. So just do it! Take the chance! It does get easier the more you put yourself out there, so don’t wait until you feel ready
Now get out there and make the first move. Chances are she’s just waiting for you to ask, so do it!